Horror in Wendover woods – Anon Ever Heard of the Tate Family? – Anon Recipe for Preserving Children – Anon News from Scotland – YouTube Parental Excuses – Anon Cruise Director – Anon Odd Oddments – Anon Exam Paper Answers – Anon International Senior Citizens – Anon How to know when you’re getting old – Anon. From the schoolroom – Anon
Jokes and silly stories submitted by members (and you wonder why they are anonymous!)

Horror in Wendover Woods

18 May 2009.  We are just making our way to the café for our pre-ordered lunches, after a lovely morning spent walking and chatting our way through Wendover woods on a U3A monthly walk ..    ..But where did I put my car keys?  Oh! No!  They are in my jacket pocket, which I have just shut into the boot of my car…which is locked!

Kind and friendly people rally round.

“Have you got a spare set of car keys at home?”

“Yes”

“Can you get into the house if we drive you home?”

“Oh! No!” They’re in the boot too!”

“Have you got a spare set of house keys with a neighbour?”

“No”

It is suggested that I contact my national rescue service -   Easy to ring them if the number was not locked in the car – as was my mobile phone!   I am feeling like the prize idiot!!   Eventually with somebody else’s mobile phone (in their pocket,  not their car!) I manage to make contact.

But what about next time?

Certainly I must make sure that I have a house key with neighbours and that I have the number of my car rescue service visible through the window of my locked car.   But, however carefully one plans, nothing beats the support of kind and helpful friends.  My heartfelt thanks to all of them.

Who was this? Well, I’m sworn to secrecy.

Ever Heard of the Tate Family?

There’s the head of the family DIC TATE, who wants to run everything.

Uncle RO  TATE tries to change everything around.

His sister AGI TATE likes stirring things up whenever she can.

Nephew IRRI  TATE always rubs people up the wrong way!

Nieces HESI  TATE and VEGE TATE pour cold water on every proposal.

Then there’s Auntie IMI  TATE who is all for trying something new, just because everyone else is doing it.

And, of course, DEVAS  TATE will always throw a spanner in the works.

You are sure to know the TATES for they sit on every committee, live in every street, join every club, travel on every bus and work in every shop or office or factory.

WATCH YOU DON’T BECOME ONE OF THEM !

Recipe for Preserving Children

Ingredients:

1 grass grown field

Half a dozen children  (or more)

Several dogs (and puppies if available)

1 brook

pebbles

Method:

Into field pour children and dogs allowing them to mix well.

Pour brook over pebbles until slightly frothy.

When children are nicely brown, cool in bath.

When dry – serve with milk and freshly baked gingerbread.

News from Scotland

A seagull in Sotland has developed the habit of stealing crisps from a neighbourhood shop.  The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn’t looking and then walks into the store and grabs a snack bite size bag of cheese Doritos.  Once outside, the bag is ripped open and shared with other birds.  The seagull’s shoplifting  started some time ago when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen and helped himself to a packet of crisps.  Since then, he’s become a regular.  He always takes the same type of crisps.  Customers have begun paying for the seagull’s stolen bag of chips because they think it’s so funny!

Editor’s note:  If you think that’s a tall story look at this video

Parental Excuses

Actual excuse notes from parents explaining why their children have missed school: (with their original spellings!)

• My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
• Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
• John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
• Bill was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
• Sally wont be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

Cruise Director

The Cruise Director for a well known shipping line has been asked all of the following questions:

What time will you serve the Midnight Buffet?

Does the crew sleep on the ship?

Do these steps go up or down?

Does the ship make its own electricity?

Odd Oddments (well, what would you call them?!)

Three boys were in the school playground boasting about their fathers

The first one said “My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper and calls it a poem, and they give him £50.

The second boy said “That’s nothing. My father scribbles a few words on a piece of paper; he calls it a song and he earns £100”.

Not to be outdone, the third boy scoffed “Big deal. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper and calls it a sermon. It takes eight people to collect all the money!”

A young photographer taking pictures of Winston Churchill on his 80th birthday said that he hoped to be photographing him on his 100th. “Don’t see why not” Churchill replied “You look reasonably fit to me”

Two nuns were walking along a pavement towards a drunk and passed by on either side of him. He turned to look at them as they walked away and, scratching his head, said in a very puzzled voice “How did she do that?”

Exam Paper Answers

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without then we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

In the first Olympic Games Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on T.V. now..

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 ft. clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don’t know why.

International Senior Citizens

A French senior citizen drinks his Pernod and sets off for a game of boules.

A Spanish Senior Citizen drinks wine and settles down for his siesta.

Their German colleague takes his medicines and sets off for work

The English equivalent has his tea and goes off to his club.

The American values his waistline and sets off to exercise in the gym

The U3A member has his mouse and goes off to surf the internet!

How to know when you’re getting old.

Everything hurts – What doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

The gleam in your eye is the sun shining on your bifocals.

You feel like the morning after but you haven’t been anywhere.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You join a health club but you don’t go.

Your knees buckle but your belt wont.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

Your house is too big  – Your medicine box is not big enough.

You stick your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of all the candles.

The little old lady you helped across the street is your wife.

You get all your exercise being a pallbearer to your friends who did exercise.

You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary

You can’t stand people who are intolerant

You start a sentence but forget what you ………

From the Schoolroom

- My father is impotent; he is the managing director of a factory.

- The siren sounded and smoke poured out of the ship’s flannel

- My favorite lesson is sewing.  I will be able to run up curtains soon.

- I like the Harry Potter books. J.K. Rolling is my heroin

- When you haver to do an essay you do a daft copy first and then you change it to make it better.

- I saw a car accident today.  A man was badly enjoyed.