Jokes from Members
- 1.If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- 10.I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
- 11.I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
- 12.The meaning of opaque is unclear.
- 13.Breaking news: From Monday all postmen will be working from home. They’ll be reading your letters and will call you if it’s anything important
- 14.I thought I saw a German sausage fly past the window. but it turned out to be a seabird. My vision really has taken a tern for the wurst.
- 15.My mate bought a signed photo of Ronnie Barker and I bought one of Ronnie Corbett, both for 50p. So it was a good buy for me and a good buy for him.
- 16.A bloke just knocked on my door, I opened it and he was about three foot three inches tall. I said: “Who are you?” He replied “I’m the meter man.”
- 17.I bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but my budget didn’t cover a driver. I feel stupid now, having spent all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
- 18.Job Interviewer: “At the start you’ll be earning £20,000. Later that will increase to £40,000.” Interviewee: “OK, I’ll come back later.”
- 2.Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- 3.Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
- 4.To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
- 5.I hate when a couple argues in public and I miss the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
- 6.The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
- 7.Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- 8.I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
- 9.The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
Can you Believe it?
Some Safety Awards ??
How to retain sanity in Old Age ?
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!
2. On all your cheque stubs, write, ‘For Marijuana’!
3. Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.
4. With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.
5. Sing along at The Opera.
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream ‘I Won! I Won!’
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’
8. Tell your children over dinner, ‘Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go….’
9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
10. Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, “There’s no paper in here!”
Politically Incorrect adverts of old
Why do Crows get killed on the roads.
Prepare to Groan!!
Face Masks - alternative approaches
A video from Africa explaining how to overcome the problems of forgetting your face masks when using public transport. Not for the faint hearted
(Thanks Gay again)
Some tracks modified to reflect the times
Topical remakesLyrics 'adapted' for the current situation
|G&S for 2020||Play|
|A variety of clips||Play|
(Some bad language)
|Coronavirus Rhapsody by Queen | COVID-19 Karaoke||Play|
|Corona Virus Song Sound of Silence |
Parody Simon & Garfunkel
|One Day More|
The Marsh Family
|I Gotta Wash My Hands||Play|
|Do Re Mi - Corvid 19 Version||Play|
Contibution from Chiltern U3A
Here are some videos that Chiltern U3A sent out to keep their members entertained.
Cartoons sent in by members
The latest set
And some more
Some Interesting Signs
In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor’s office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom Nairobi:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS
SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like Qantas!!!)
A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
And finally the all time classic: Seen in Abu Dhabi in a Souk shop window: IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED
PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE
The Joys of getting older!
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor
and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
“Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim says, ” I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. Iwould recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the lift
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
“Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
“No,I can remember it.”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down” she asks.
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream… I’ve got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
“I told you would forget – Where’s my toast?”
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old friend:
“So I hear you’re getting married?”
“Do I know her?”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Well, then, is she good in bed?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“Because she can still drive!”
Three old men are out walking.
First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
Second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!”
Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go for a beer.”
A man was telling his neighbour, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me £1000, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical check up.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really
doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be
A Senior's Version of Facebook
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybdy does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them a “thumbs-up” and tell them I “like” them.
And it works just like Facebook. I already have 4 people following me, a police officers, a mental care worker, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
That Famous Gentleman's Laws
1 Law of Mechanical Repair- after your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you need to pee.
2.Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3.Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5.Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now
6.Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7.Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
8.Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!
9.Law of Biomechanics- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11.The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12.Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13.Law of Physical Surfaces – the chances of an open-faced jem sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14.Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.
15.Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
16.Law of Public Speaking – A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18.Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.
This year’s submissions:
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish
To write with a broken pencil is pointless
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.
I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
Playing with Letters
|PRESBYTERIAN||BEST IN PRAYER|
|DESPERATION||A ROPE ENDS IT|
|THE MORSE CODE||HERE COME DOTS|
|SLOT MACHINES||CASH LOST IN ME|
|SNOOZE ALARMS||ALAS ! NO MORE Z'S
|A DECIMAL POINT||I'M A DOT IN PLACE|
|ELEVEN PLUS TWO||TWELVE PLUS ONE|
|THE EARTHQUAKES||THAT QUEER SHAKE|
|ELECTION RESULTS||LIES - LET'S RECOUNT|
|THE EYES||THEY SEE|